I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
