Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
