We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
