He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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