I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
