life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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