Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
