After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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