4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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