It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
