$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize