She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
