I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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