How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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