I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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