Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
