I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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