You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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