are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
