If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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