my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
