you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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