Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
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Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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