tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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