the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So squirting runs in the family.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
