Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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