It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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