we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
