um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
