Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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