she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
