that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nutella sex= disaster
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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