I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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