I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
