I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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