U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties