i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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