My underwear smells like fireworks.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
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