five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
