I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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