thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
whose parrot is this?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
