I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
