i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
