Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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