I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
