Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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