I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
