so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My life is pants optional.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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