Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How does it feel to date your dad?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
