Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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