I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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