Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
