new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
