know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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