masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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