Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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