i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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