I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
MIDGETS
????
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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