My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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