when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
