I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
