Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
