We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
